Wise Film Choices

This movie is MMMAD. I made up my own acronym for this type of movie. It stands for Manufactured Mediocre Mildly Amusing Dross. Dross, literally, is the extraneous matter or waste that forms on the surface of molten metal; in the figurative sense, it means rubbish, worthless. It’s not trash—it’s not something that’s noxious, harmful or even a waste of your time. It’s just not much of anything—that’s dross.

“The Secret Life of Pets” 3D (and the 3D has to be included here, because the movie is significantly less without it) falls into that MMMAD category. A lot of movies in the family film category are MMMAD, and a lot are actual trash. This movie is not trash. As the acronym says, it’s mildly amusing. It’s a pleasant experience, doesn’t offend, and has one teaspoon of cleverness. It includes excellent animation work, lovely colorful panoramas, and consistently dynamic and occasionally breathtaking use of 3D.

But please note the other two “M’s” in the acronym.

The “M” that comes before “Mildly” stands for “Mediocre.” No amount of visual craft, however lovely, and no amount of 3D dynamics, however fun, can substitute for a good story and, in the case of a comedy, funny jokes. The story here is essentially “Toy Story” with cartoonish animals—(1) we get to see how the main characters behave when humans aren’t around, and (2) the human introduces “the new guy in town” that challenges the protagonist and scrambles the previous pecking order everyone had. In the case of “Pets,” the old dog and the new dog have to work things out while getting lost in the concrete jungle of New York City. There’s nothing here that we haven’t seen a million times before; any TV episode of “Shaun the Sheep” does a much better job of delivering the same idea of sentient animals (and without talking, no small achievement).

As far as funny goes, amusing is not equal to funny. Amusing is equal to entertaining, intriguing. Funny is HA HA HA, that’s funny! For the most part, “Pets” only gets to “Amusing.” The trailer made it seem like a really funny movie. Of course it did; the trailer takes the best parts and throws them together at a breakneck pace. But if you see the movie, you see the jokes spread out over 87 minutes instead of 3, and it’s a whole different experience. The only actually funny part in the movie is when the two dogs, Max and Duke, get high on sausages; ya gotta see to believe, but it only lasts a couple of minutes. “Minions” (produced by the same studio as “Pets” by the way), a film that I gave an Unwise Choice rating of 55%, had many more funny jokes; the only reason I gave “Minions” a rating less than “Pets” is because the story of “Minions” was so darn stupid. The story in “Pets” makes more sense, but the funny bone never really gets tickled.

And the “M” that comes before “Mildly” is “Manufactured.” Manufactured, as in, mechanically produced in a factory, following some kind of blueprint. Filmmaking companies, especially ones that invest a lot of money in each project such as major film studios and animation producers, generally produce many variations of the “family film” over and over, following “The Formula”:

1. Use at least six famous actors and actresses as the voice talent for the main characters (never mind that you often won’t recognize who they are or be able to distinguish among them).
2. Fit in as many jokes as you can. Doesn’t matter if they’re funny.
3. Include an epic battle at the end. Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t really fit with the theme.
4. Don’t include a character who is really, truly evil. There’s always something good about ‘em, and they can change and be nice at the end.
5. Make at least a few topical jokes to look “in.”
6. Have cute or underage protagonists.
7. Don’t be too serious. You really don’t want to scare anybody or make anybody cry, do you?

That’s apparently the kind of project that is easier to finance. And so these movies are manufactured with lots of animation craft, but still manufactured.

The greatest family movies actually break one or more of these rules:

• The first “Toy Story” had scary scenes. Remember the one-eyed doll head with the mechanical arms? (That toy certainly didn’t reappear in the sequels). And most of the great animated features of the classic Disney era had some scene that would scare the wits out of the kids.
• Name the voice actors in “Inside Out!” I can’t either! Any voice talent experienced in animation could have done those characters just as well. What stands out are the characters and the story.
• Don’t tell me “Zootopia” didn’t have some scary scenes and a very evil antagonist.
• And remember the epic battle in “Inside Out?” You don’t? Because there wasn’t one! It didn’t need it!

“The Secret Life of Pets” is pure MMMAD. If you want to have a pleasant time with your family and you’re able to watch it in 3D, you could do worse. If you’re not able to watch it in 3D but you happen to catch it on TV or on your subscription TV service, it’ll give you a passable moment. It’s not a waste of time. But I wouldn’t pay to see a non-3D version of it, and I wouldn’t pay a ticket for each of my family to see it in 3D in the theater. I rented it streaming in 3D from VUDU, and I’m OK with that. You might be too.

Interestingly, the final two minutes of the movie are different from the rest of the film. It’s no spoiler to say that the final scene shows all the neighborhood owners actually with their pets, and it’s a very touching moment with a sensitivity totally different than the movie that we just finished seeing. If only the entire movie had been like that! But unfortunately, the movie focuses on the relationship of the pets among other pets, not on that of the pets with their owners. Missed opportunity!

But if you want to see an actually funny movie that’s everything that “Pets” failed to be, watch “Shaun the Sheep Movie.” “Pets” actually bears more than a striking resemblance to “Shaun” (which came out the year before “Pets”). Both deal with clueless animals lost in the concrete jungle (“Pets” in NYC, “Shaun” in London). And the “Pets” animal catcher bears a suspicious resemblance to the one in “Shaun.” But “Shaun the Sheep” is an amazing movie, an instant classic that expands on the human/animal relationship that’s only touched on in “Pets.” “Shawn” is a work of loving care and art; “Pets” doesn’t even compare.

Extra:

• As of the end of 2016, “Pets” has made $875.5 million, according to Box Office Mojo. That’s almost a billion dollars. A billion dollars! Forbes says that it’s the fourth highest grossing original movie (i.e. not a sequel) of all time. The Formula works! As far as money is concerned anyway, not taking actual quality into consideration. That’s why we’ll continue to see more MMMAD movies appear.
• Rentable in streaming 3D from VUDU.